Saturday, October 30, 2004

Presidential Appearance & Temperament

The American Kennel Club establishes, maintains, and publishes the breed standards by which all canines are judged in A.K.C. and A.K.C.-sponsored or affiliated shows and events.

Although I've never been in a dog show, I'm familiar with the bulldog standard. The A.K.C.'s promulgation primarily addresses physical attributes that translate poorly during anthromorphization, having little relevance to humans, let alone presidential candidates. This makes sense when you think about it. I mean, you wouldn't want a president who looks like me, would you? (Oh, wait, there was Winston Churchill some time ago. He was cool.) Two sections of the standard, however, are relevant: general appearance and temperament.

General Appearance: The general appearance and attitude should suggest great stability, vigor, and strength.

Temperament: The disposition should be equable and kind, resolute and courageous (not vicious or aggressive), and demeanor should be pacific and dignified. These attributes should be countenanced by the expression and behavior.

I'll bet it's obvious to you now that my endorsement in the upcoming presidential election was based on my inbred inclination to judge the candidates using the same criteria I evaluate the bulldog boys in my neighborhood: It's clearly Sen. John F. Kerry over that nasty little lap dog with the Oedipal complex. (And it's plainly Sen. John Edwards over that snarling cur with the drooly lower lip.)

I know a real bulldog when I see one.

~ Mildred

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